Press THREE If You Are a Moron

So I had a bit of a problem with a piece of electronic gear the other day. Checked the obvious and less obvious: Yes, power. Yes, power at the outlet. No, have not operated while showering.

Checked the troubleshooting guide in the back of the manual. Followed the usual suspects through to elimination.

Ran the recommended diagnostics. Twice. Joyless results.

Checked the manufacturer's website for lurking upgrades and failures. Nada.

Bit the bullet and called the non-toll-free number. Got put on hold. Forever (ok, 10 minutes).

Friendly customer service dude asks for all the pertinent info - make, model and serial number of the device, my name, location, date of birth, mother's maiden name, father's middle name, name of my favorite dog, lead character in my favorite soap opera, area code of the phone number of my matron of honor from my first wedding, the last five digits of my firstborn son's drivers license. This will help him find my problem. Uh huh.

Please Hold While I Look Something Up. Sorry For the Inconvenience.

I ran the numbers in my head. For slightly less than half the cost of what I will spend on phone calls and on-hold time with this company, I can drive the nine miles to Wal-Mart and buy a new version of this electronic gear. It will work right, out of the box, or I can drive back to Wal-Mart and exchange it under warranty. Even factoring in gas prices, I'll be better off.

What is wrong with this picture? Has customer service and product integrity really fallen so far?

I propose a new voice-mail menu system to ease their pain and mine:

Hello, and welcome to Pointless Electronics LLC, a division of Way-Too-Big Industries.

Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed since your previous Pointless call.

Press 1 to continue your call in English.
Para continuar en español, por favor, pulse dos.
Press 3, followed by the pound sign, if your Pointless device is not working.
Press 3, followed by your VISA or Mastercard number, followed by the pound sign, if you lost your Pointless device manual and cannot run diagnostics.
Press 4, followed by the star sign, followed by the pound sign, if you think you know what the problem is with your Pointless device.
Press 5, followed by the pound sign, if you have read the manual but have not yet consulted the Pointless website for further assistance.
Press 6, followed by the pound sign, if you have not yet tried slamming your Pointless device against a wall.
Press 7, followed by the pound sign, if you think you are smarter than our entire Customer Service department and want validation of this misperception.
Press 8 to speak with an operator or to be placed on hold for one hour until the next Pointless Customer Service representative is available.
Press 9 to hear these menu options again.

Dear Bestest Friend in the Whole World

Somewhere out there, there are people so totally starved for affection that they will fall for the insanely sappy entree lines to some of the biggest scams on the planet. These leader lines, designed to tug feebly at your heartstrings,

Dear Beloved in Christ, It is by the grace of God that I received Christ, having known the truth; I had no choice than to do what is lawful and just in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God & His Mercies and glory upon my life. (goes on to ask for help moving money - a blatant Nigerian 419 scam)

Or present a barely plausible tale that piques the curiosity:

Good day and compliments, i know this letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine my future and continued existence. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Capt. XXXX X. XXXXXX, a US Marine Capt. serving in the X Battalion, XXX Marine Regiment which Patrols the Anbar province, Iraq. I am desperately in need of assistance and I have summoned up courage to contact you. I am presently in Iraq and I found your contact particulars in an address journal. I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of $12,570,000 (Twelve million Five Hundred and Seventy Thousand US dollars) to the States or any safe country of your choice, as far as I can be assured that it will be safe in your care until I complete my service here. This is no stolen money and there are no dangers involved. (goes on to ask for help moving money - a blatant Nigerian 419 scam)

Or present a resounding call to action:

A certified Award check of (£6.5, million GB Pounds = $13,591,000 US Dollars),In ward Credited to file NO: ddddd/dddddd left the World Health Organization® Head Quarters since on 24th January for your address, it is important we know if you have received these parcel, so as to know when
to invite you for the Winners Dinner night on the 24th February, 2008. If the parcel is not received (goes on to ask for help moving money - a blatant Nigerian 419 scam)

OH MY GOODNESS!! I MUST CONTACT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM RIGHT NOW!!!

Not.

I'm not worried for myself, really. I have a delete button on my email client, and I know how to use it.

I worry about those new to the Internet, those naive sorts who used to fall prey to in-person cons and ponzi schemes. The ones who get duped of their life savings by driveway repair scams. The ones who open their wallet at the first sign of a tear.

There oughta be a law against crafters and grifters of this sort, ringing doorbells of the less wary and running away with their victims' wallets in hand.

Oh wait. There IS. Now, who enforces it and how do we get their attention?

But It is FREE

Congratulations! You have won a free Electronic Thingie!! Just because you're so sweet and kind and lovely and wonderful and happened to be here this very moment to open your email!! We just think you're just the bestest thing EVER for doing so, and since we are SO thrilled to see your shining face in front of your screen, we're going to GIVE you this piece of valuable electronic gear FREE and for NOTHING! So all you have to do to claim this WONDERFUL FREE eTHING (which is free and we're giving it away to you because you're soooo nice) is click on this link, answer a few questions, get your name, your address, maybe some banking information, perhaps plant a small cookie on your computer so we can remind you how MUCH WE LIKE YOU so we can send you this FREE THING for FREE, that's as in NO DOLLARS, and..... wait. Don't close this wind.. wait.. no.. please .... please don't shut down your email application.. we really do like you and all we want to do is ask you a few questions so we can GIVE you this FREE GREAT GIFT of a WONDERFUL thing.. honest, we do, really truly we do.. please don't close this window.. just give us ONE MORE MOMENT to show you how GREAT we think you are and let us send you this FREE GIFT of WONDROUS GOOD ELECTRONICS. DON'T CLOSE THi...

gimme a break.

Telemarketers

Do not call me during dinner and pretend to be my bestest buddy in the entire whole world. Do NOT call me to congratulate me on the new car I just "won" by answering the phone. DO NOT call me and attempt to get me to buy that Florida vacation by dangling thinly veiled threats in front of me. How about this? DO NOT CALL ME, period.