The Opposite of Good is Apathy

Today I discovered a problem. This problem could cost its company tens of thousands of dollars in lost profits, and far more than that in lost revenue. Like a good Girl Scout, I did my very best to bring it to the attention of the people who stand to lose this revenue.

Perhaps, since it is a Monday and everyone's mood is a tad Monday'ish, the response I encountered was a rousing 'whatever.'

Perhaps the humidity is too high, clogging the input channels so that the implication of this alert did not quite get to the concerned synapses, which would have automatically screeched "SH*T! That's my paycheck!!"

Perhaps I did not crawl up the ankles of the towering corporate megalith far enough to reach the person tasked with caring enough that this revenue is being tossed down the tubes.

Perhaps this company doesn't care that they have lost not only my clients' business but potentially the business of a few thousand other individuals who might see their ill-placed information and wonder what sort of nonsense they are avoiding by NOT doing business with this particular source.

After six long-distance phone calls, five automatic electronic transfers, four unintelligible answering system messages, three misbehaving voicemail boxes and a pair of disconnects, I reached the Partridge in the Pear Tree ... the Not My Department Department.

This highly effective, well-placed Department was actually staffed by a human. This human did not want my name. It did not want my phone number. It did not want to know the nature of the problem nor the implications for my business (or its). It did not offer to send me elsewhere. It did not offer to have someone research the problem and call me back, even if it were to call me back to tell me I should mind my own business. It did, however, thank me for calling - a phrase which it used immediately on answering, with nary a clue of what I was calling about.

So I stopped with the calls and the concern and the worrying, called my client back and gave her two other sources for the product in question (both of which were quite helpful in solving her need - rapidly and accurately).

I am grateful for finally having reached the Not My Department Department. If it weren't for that sole individual's presence, I would still be doing my level best to find a person who actually cares that a problem exists.

Soon word will get out, and every company will want their own Not My Department Department. I look forward to the day - I'll save ever so much money on phone calls and voicemail messages.

Bless their hearts.

Marketing Stuff 101

Twelve difficult marketing lessons for the wanna-be internet entrepreneur:

1 - It's ok to reach out and talk to someone without trying to get them to buy your stuff.

2 - Everyone wants you to buy their stuff.
2a - You want everyone to buy your stuff.
2b - Not everyone wants to buy your stuff.
|!2b - Someone will want to buy your stuff, maybe someday. Don't beat the idea out of them.

3 - Shoving your stuff down their throat is a sure-fire guarantee that they never will Buy. Your. Stuff.

4 - Being mean will not get anyone to buy your stuff.

5 - Exaggerating will NEVER get anyone to buy your stuff.

6 - If you brag that you have made millions selling your stuff, some people may not believe you.
6a - dumb ones might, but may not be smart enough to figure out how to sell your stuff once they've signed up in your downline;
68b - you will spend more time weeding than training, and wondering why your stuff isn't selling.

7 - MLM is pyramidal, no matter who is swearing it isn't. So-called 'network marketing' is usually MLM.
7a - Barnum was right: there is a sucker born every minute. Luckily some smarten up before they get old enough to get PayPal and credit cards
7b - House is not entirely right: Not everyone lies. But enough do that you should be wary.

8 - 3,207,954 other people are selling the same stuff as you. Maybe better.
8a - be nicer than them, not louder.
8b - be honest. Always. Even if it hurts.
8c - be honest with yourself. Always. Yes, it's gonna hurt.

9 - If your website blows chunks or animates like a Saturday morning cartoon, even the BEST stuff may not sell.
9a - not everybody enjoys having their cursor followed by a swarm of butterflies. Some find it damn annoying. I'm one of them.
9b - very few people will actually tell you if your website blows chunks. Watch your bounce rate via Google Analytics. Just like a real live ground-based business, people will vote with their feet (or fingers in this case).

10 - Know the target customer of your stuff. Ask him what he wants. Give it to him.
10a - everyone is an expert on what stuff they want;
10b - respect a customer's right to be wrong about stuff, without insulting him.

11 - Customer service is worth more than selling your stuff.
11a - one of the most powerful phrases in the English language is: "I don't know. Let me find out and get an answer for you."
11b - if you use the phrase, follow up.

12 - Listen to Seth Godin. HE KNOWS STUFF.


I could say more - a lot more - on this topic but I'm sure I'm already ticking off a few Real Marketing Experts Who Have Made Millions And Quit Their Day Jobs And Have The PayStubs To Prove It. Bless your hearts.

Pat Thyself Firmly on the Back

If you want to tag a business website as amateur, look for the section about how hard they worked on it.

Somewhere on the site, they wax eloquent about the thousands of hours they've put into spittin' and polishin', shinin' and prettifyin' just so that 'your visit and experience at La De Freakin' Dah Company LLC will be the best possible ever.' They'll probably go on and on and on about the massive investment of cost and time and dedication and resources and the latest technology that they have lovingly poured into this venture.

Of course they worked hard on it. If they didn't work hard on it, it wouldn't be much, would it?