I Better Get Started NOW

If I'm going to run for office in four years, I better start making plans. I have a list of campaign promises prepared, and I will release them to my ardent followers as time passes.

So, I solemnly swear that, if elected:

I will lower Artificially Boosted Expectations across the Board.

I will Fix the Skool Sistem.

I will not impose a 140% Federal Income Tax.

I will institute National Wealth Care - Bailouts for Everyone!

I will stand on a Platform of Personal Responsibility.

You're Each Responsible for this Mess.

I will not campaign in Wisconsin unless wearing a Cheesehead Hat.

I will know which Continent the Amazon River is.

I will know which Continent the Company called Amazon is based in.

I will not confuse the Two Amazons.

I will not ask for more funding for Killer Bee Immigration Paperwork.

I will eat broccoli. Twice.

I will not change the White House China Pattern (more than once).

I will not drive a Maserati through Ely, Nevada.

I will insist on Free Worcestershire Sauce on Tuesdays.

I will not change the National Anthem to God Save the Queen.

I will not insist on being addressed as Your Royal Majesty, Queen of the Colonies.

I will listen to Queen.

I will learn to spell Worcestershire without Backspacing.

More to follow as we get closer to campaign time.

Bless your hearts.

Surprise Surprise It's Politics

You might think that, with all the politics flying through the air, I'd be grumpier in this past few months. I'm not. I think pre-election campaign television rates just two steps above soap opera, and two steps below soap opera in believability.

On November 4th, someone will be President. Someone will be Vice President. Someone else won't be.

Many someone elses, for that matter. And on November 5th, the towering gods we refer to as Mass Media will have to find something else to do (well, once all the post-game analysis is out of the way).

Bless their hearts. Maybe I should run in four years.

Happy Fourth of Whatever

I made a mistake today. I IM'd a "Happy Fourth of July!" to a coworker in New Jersey. I might as well have thrown a stink bomb into the foyer of LA's finest dining establishment.

"What the HELL are we celebrating!?" he exploded in response. "Our so-called leadership is comatose, our military is enslaved to a conflict that can't POSSIBLY be resolved, our economy is sinking like a stone, gas prices are orbiting the moon, job stability is at the mercy of --"

I nodded politely as he continued his IM rage. Far be it for me to interrupt him long enough to point out that we are celebrating the fact that he is free to express those very thoughts.

Bless his heart.


We're still a new nation. We may not have gotten things right yet.

Relative to some of the older world powers, we're teenagers - and teenagers make mistakes. We have the know-it-all ego of a fifteen-year-old adolescent, the bluster of a schoolyard bully. The maturity of a tween fawning over the Jonas Brothers (or the Everly Brothers, if you're my age). We do stupid stuff, and sometimes we should be grounded for our own good.

Stupid stuff, rants 'n all aside, it's our birthday, dammit, and I want cake.