I Better Get Started NOW

If I'm going to run for office in four years, I better start making plans. I have a list of campaign promises prepared, and I will release them to my ardent followers as time passes.

So, I solemnly swear that, if elected:

I will lower Artificially Boosted Expectations across the Board.

I will Fix the Skool Sistem.

I will not impose a 140% Federal Income Tax.

I will institute National Wealth Care - Bailouts for Everyone!

I will stand on a Platform of Personal Responsibility.

You're Each Responsible for this Mess.

I will not campaign in Wisconsin unless wearing a Cheesehead Hat.

I will know which Continent the Amazon River is.

I will know which Continent the Company called Amazon is based in.

I will not confuse the Two Amazons.

I will not ask for more funding for Killer Bee Immigration Paperwork.

I will eat broccoli. Twice.

I will not change the White House China Pattern (more than once).

I will not drive a Maserati through Ely, Nevada.

I will insist on Free Worcestershire Sauce on Tuesdays.

I will not change the National Anthem to God Save the Queen.

I will not insist on being addressed as Your Royal Majesty, Queen of the Colonies.

I will listen to Queen.

I will learn to spell Worcestershire without Backspacing.

More to follow as we get closer to campaign time.

Bless your hearts.

Surprise Surprise It's Politics

You might think that, with all the politics flying through the air, I'd be grumpier in this past few months. I'm not. I think pre-election campaign television rates just two steps above soap opera, and two steps below soap opera in believability.

On November 4th, someone will be President. Someone will be Vice President. Someone else won't be.

Many someone elses, for that matter. And on November 5th, the towering gods we refer to as Mass Media will have to find something else to do (well, once all the post-game analysis is out of the way).

Bless their hearts. Maybe I should run in four years.

Suffer Thy 15 Minutes of Fame and Shut Up

Certain causal celebrities, accidental inhabitants of the footlights, heroes of the moment, rescuer of THREE cats from one tree during a dangerous spring butterfly swarm - commendable, all! But some of the media fail to realize how far 15 minutes should be stretched.

"Chet, we're here with octogenarian Melvis Goldfarb, whose purse was snatched not once but TWICE in the same year on the treacherous streets of New York. How's it going, Mrs Goldfarb? May I call you Melvis?"

"That's not my name...ah.. it's Goldstein... Mavis Goldstein..."

"Such a brave soul you are! Five years ago, in this very city, your handbag was torn from your grasp, not once but TWICE in the same year. I recall it like it was yesterday - it was all over the news! And yet here you are standing with us, as brave and staunch a soul as before the brutality. Tell us what has given you the courage to shoulder on, Mrs Goldfarb?"

"Well, I... ah... that's not.."

"And what a gut-wrenching trauma to have suffered, Mrs Goldfarb! Anyone would be confused and a bit shaken after such an earth-shattering occasion. Not once but TWICE in a single year, this poor soul was stripped of every possession in her grasp by the malevolent streets of Gotham. Any advice for our viewers, Mrs Goldfarb?"

".. it's GoldSTEIN. STEIN... like beer stein. You know? Stein?"

"Poor woman. Anyone standing her can see that she's practically shaking at the recollection. Again, Chet, we're standing here with the brave Mavis Goldfarb, victim of crime not once but TWICE in a single year, boldly facing the streets yet again on this fine pastoral afternoon in the Big Apple."

"That's GoldSTEIN. Mavis GoldSTEIN."

"Back to you, Chet!"

"Oy."

She Isn't. She's NOT. She Swears It.

August 21 : Celeb Ms X, appearing in a less-than-formfitting t-shirt and jeans, responds, "Of course I'm not pregnant." Reps for Ms X have no comment.

September 18 : Celeb Ms X, appearing in a one-piece bathing suit covered in a beach top, categorically denies that she is pregnant. Close friends of Ms X refuse to comment.

October 5: Celeb Ms X appears on the red carpet in a flowing vintage Valentino, states, "That's silly. I'm not expecting," when questioned by reporters. Reps for Ms X do not comment.

October 19: A radiant Ms X and her close friend Mr Z glow as they announce that they are expecting their first child to arrive in mid-January. Ms X spins for reporters, in a skin-grazing but baby bump-revealing red Monique Lhuillier and sensible ballerina flats. Close friends of Ms X and Mr Z announce that both of last month's baby showers were 'spectacular.'

Long ago and far away, this is what we tribal elders referred to as "lying." Celebs everywhere feel the head-butt of the Truth Rhino as it lumbers past.