Fixing The Internet, At Your Service

An acquaintance of mine IM'd me to warn me that she was pretty sure she'd broken the Internet.

I asked her why she would think such a thing.

Her web browser told her so.

I thanked her for letting me know... *** insert barely-suppressed giggle ***

Then she asked if I could fix it.

'The Internet?'

"yes! I broke it!!"

uhh

'I don't think you can actually break th-'

"one sec.. I'll quit the Internet so you can work on it."

uhhhh

'ok... just let me know...'

"ok. I quit it"

'all right. shut off your browser and count to five.'

"ok"

***/me drums fingers on desk in a repeated five stroke roll ***

"ok it's off. Now what?"

'turn it back on'

"ok"

***music on hold (see previous posts of mine)***

"ok, it's coming back on...
HEY IT WORKS! YOU FIXED IT!! THANKS!!!!!"

*** /me disconnecting to avoid having to figure out what to say in response ***

Apparently, some things are better left in the hands of experts and the Powers That Be who bestow the unsuspecting and non-technical with web browsers and operating systems that Are Not Mac.

Bless her heart.

The Sky is Falling. Part 1. Panic.

Big-Everything-Under-One-Roof-Mart is like a huge stuffed lion on the savannah. It threatens by its very presence - eek, a big lion! It consumes no gazelles. Yet invariably some of the erstwhile gazelle prey panic and fall into a dead faint at the sight of it. Then the bodies decay and the bones keep piling up. Soon crowds of gazelles are pointing fearfully in the direction of the big stuffed lion - Shock 'n Awe! - Look How Much That Lion Eats!

I left LA in the mid-1980s, and never looked back. I moved to a remote realm where the deer and the cantaloupe play, where the life pace is slightly above snail. The biggest stressor is remembering who moves first at a four-way stop-sign intersection. Life is slower here. Yet, sadly, some of the loudest complaints I heard when I moved here were over the slow pace. People griping that it takes so long to get things done. People sitting and wondering why nothing is happening. The natives get restless, but not restless enough to actually make things happen.

Then, one day, Big-Everything-Under-One-Roof-Mart moved in. All of a sudden it was PANIC TIME! This behemoth is gonna eat all our local-owned businesses!!

Let's not mention that most of these same businesses are the ones owned by the complainers whining that Nothing Ever Gets Done.

The sky, which had been falling before solely because nobody would take responsibility for holding it up, now threatened to plummet to earth at a heart-stopping pace, and even the swiftest of snail shall be crushed!

Ohh Noooo, Mr Bill!!!

We cannot mention that the local businesses which were going to go out of business while sniveling in the shadow of the monster are (gasp...) the same ones that were teetering on the brink of the Grand Canyon of Nonexistence well before the monster moved into the neighborhood.

We dare not mention that, in more densely populated realms, Big-Everything-Under-One-Roof-Mart monsters move in every day and do not consume all the small businesses before lunchtime.

We're all gonna diiieeee!!!

We don't even mention that those small businesses who kept their doors wide open, their calm faces on, and their customer service to their prior high standards are doing just fine, thanks, and have not been eaten alive. In FACT, some of those small businesses have actually expanded, moved to larger quarters, even built their own buildings.

Every inhabitant on every savannah has its natural enemies and its position on the food chain, even when the biggest survival threats are entropy and self-consuming panic.

Disclaimer: I do not work for Big-Everything-Under-One-Roof-Mart, have not been paid anything to mention Big-Everything-Under-One-Roof-Mart in this blog, and haven't even shopped at Big-Everything-Under-One-Roof-Mart in the past few months. My business did not suffer a single cent of lost revenue to the presence of Big-Everything-Under-One-Roof-Mart. Also, I take no pleasure from the misery of others, real or imagined, external or internal. I do, however, know what to do at a four-way stop-sign intersection - and that alone puts me several steps closer to the front of the herd.

Marketing Stuff 101

Twelve difficult marketing lessons for the wanna-be internet entrepreneur:

1 - It's ok to reach out and talk to someone without trying to get them to buy your stuff.

2 - Everyone wants you to buy their stuff.
2a - You want everyone to buy your stuff.
2b - Not everyone wants to buy your stuff.
|!2b - Someone will want to buy your stuff, maybe someday. Don't beat the idea out of them.

3 - Shoving your stuff down their throat is a sure-fire guarantee that they never will Buy. Your. Stuff.

4 - Being mean will not get anyone to buy your stuff.

5 - Exaggerating will NEVER get anyone to buy your stuff.

6 - If you brag that you have made millions selling your stuff, some people may not believe you.
6a - dumb ones might, but may not be smart enough to figure out how to sell your stuff once they've signed up in your downline;
68b - you will spend more time weeding than training, and wondering why your stuff isn't selling.

7 - MLM is pyramidal, no matter who is swearing it isn't. So-called 'network marketing' is usually MLM.
7a - Barnum was right: there is a sucker born every minute. Luckily some smarten up before they get old enough to get PayPal and credit cards
7b - House is not entirely right: Not everyone lies. But enough do that you should be wary.

8 - 3,207,954 other people are selling the same stuff as you. Maybe better.
8a - be nicer than them, not louder.
8b - be honest. Always. Even if it hurts.
8c - be honest with yourself. Always. Yes, it's gonna hurt.

9 - If your website blows chunks or animates like a Saturday morning cartoon, even the BEST stuff may not sell.
9a - not everybody enjoys having their cursor followed by a swarm of butterflies. Some find it damn annoying. I'm one of them.
9b - very few people will actually tell you if your website blows chunks. Watch your bounce rate via Google Analytics. Just like a real live ground-based business, people will vote with their feet (or fingers in this case).

10 - Know the target customer of your stuff. Ask him what he wants. Give it to him.
10a - everyone is an expert on what stuff they want;
10b - respect a customer's right to be wrong about stuff, without insulting him.

11 - Customer service is worth more than selling your stuff.
11a - one of the most powerful phrases in the English language is: "I don't know. Let me find out and get an answer for you."
11b - if you use the phrase, follow up.

12 - Listen to Seth Godin. HE KNOWS STUFF.


I could say more - a lot more - on this topic but I'm sure I'm already ticking off a few Real Marketing Experts Who Have Made Millions And Quit Their Day Jobs And Have The PayStubs To Prove It. Bless your hearts.

Verbal Fine Print

Read this aloud in a tone and vocal timbre that reflects the seriousness of the statement. Time yourself. You have 10 seconds.

[Start Exercise]

Do not breathe.

Start Now.

Some restrictons apply Offer may not be valid in your state Please check local listings for date and time Offer may not be combined with any other offer from this company This ad does not reflect typical weight loss results with this or any other weight loss product Your mileage may vary May cause drowsiness Do not take this product if you are taking MAOI inhibitors Subject to local state and federal taxes Conditions of offer include purchase of warranty package See your local dealer for details If you have already entered this sweepstakes or any other form of this sweepstakes or any other sweepstakes offered by this publisher in the past 18 months you may not quality for a winning position in this sweepstakes Check with your doctor or pharmacist before taking this or any other medication Do not operate this or any vehicle under the influence of alcohol Please drink responsibly

Stop.

Breathe if you want.

[End Exercise]


If you were able to read the italicized paragraph aloud in ten seconds of less, without pausing for breath, congratulations. You have a promising career ahead of you as the broadcaster of those annoying caveats at the end of too many television and radio commercials. You can thank me later.


A Factual Sidenote about Fast Talkin'
Big Jack Armstrong was the holder of the Guinness World Records as the Fastest Talking Human Alive, during his career from 1960 until 2006.



What the heck is he saying!? - It must be true - after all, it's on Wikipedia.

This grump brought to you by special request of Chef Keem whose inspiration and recipes are phenomenal. Read every bit of his Squidoo stuff, try his recipes, get some of that great Agasweet agave nectar to die for. He's a great person, despite his cheery disposition and marvelous sense of humor - nothing to gripe about there, and you know how THAT makes me feel.

**mutters and posts**

Please Hold

Please hold until the next available operator can take your call.
[insert 15 seconds of Muzak at eardrum-puncturing volume]
Your call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available operator.
[insert 10 seconds of Muzak at eardrum-piercing levels]
Your call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available operator.
[insert 10 seconds of Muzak at eardrum-piercing levels]
Your call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available operator.
[insert 10 seconds of Muzak at eardrum-piercing levels]
Your call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available operator.
[insert 10 seconds of Muzak at eardrum-piercing levels]
Your call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available operator.
[insert 10 seconds of Muzak at eardrum-piercing levels]

Those who put Muzak on hold and announcements on their phone service should be forced to listen to their handiwork for 45 minutes straight, the approximate length of the time I spent on hold with a company this afternoon, waiting for the next available operator.

Golden Fleece for the Masses

... and fishes for the multitudes.

What on earth possesses a company to use a 18" square cardboard box and two yards of bubble-wrap to ship a 12-pack of AA-cell batteries.

They must think cardboard grows on TREES or something!

Pat Thyself Firmly on the Back

If you want to tag a business website as amateur, look for the section about how hard they worked on it.

Somewhere on the site, they wax eloquent about the thousands of hours they've put into spittin' and polishin', shinin' and prettifyin' just so that 'your visit and experience at La De Freakin' Dah Company LLC will be the best possible ever.' They'll probably go on and on and on about the massive investment of cost and time and dedication and resources and the latest technology that they have lovingly poured into this venture.

Of course they worked hard on it. If they didn't work hard on it, it wouldn't be much, would it?

Suffer Thy 15 Minutes of Fame and Shut Up

Certain causal celebrities, accidental inhabitants of the footlights, heroes of the moment, rescuer of THREE cats from one tree during a dangerous spring butterfly swarm - commendable, all! But some of the media fail to realize how far 15 minutes should be stretched.

"Chet, we're here with octogenarian Melvis Goldfarb, whose purse was snatched not once but TWICE in the same year on the treacherous streets of New York. How's it going, Mrs Goldfarb? May I call you Melvis?"

"That's not my name...ah.. it's Goldstein... Mavis Goldstein..."

"Such a brave soul you are! Five years ago, in this very city, your handbag was torn from your grasp, not once but TWICE in the same year. I recall it like it was yesterday - it was all over the news! And yet here you are standing with us, as brave and staunch a soul as before the brutality. Tell us what has given you the courage to shoulder on, Mrs Goldfarb?"

"Well, I... ah... that's not.."

"And what a gut-wrenching trauma to have suffered, Mrs Goldfarb! Anyone would be confused and a bit shaken after such an earth-shattering occasion. Not once but TWICE in a single year, this poor soul was stripped of every possession in her grasp by the malevolent streets of Gotham. Any advice for our viewers, Mrs Goldfarb?"

".. it's GoldSTEIN. STEIN... like beer stein. You know? Stein?"

"Poor woman. Anyone standing her can see that she's practically shaking at the recollection. Again, Chet, we're standing here with the brave Mavis Goldfarb, victim of crime not once but TWICE in a single year, boldly facing the streets yet again on this fine pastoral afternoon in the Big Apple."

"That's GoldSTEIN. Mavis GoldSTEIN."

"Back to you, Chet!"

"Oy."

Can You Hear Me NOW-OW-OW-OW!!

Our cable company inserts ads for local businesses on several channels. I have no idea how much the cable company charges for this service, but the businesses should get a full refund for every broadcast ever made, on any channel, to make up for the loss of any possible business gain they could have gotten from the broadcasts - and here's why.

Sitting quietly and watching a nice calm episode of CSI, at a nice calm volume. Commercial break. National ad, national ad, regional news blurb insert, national ad, national ad, LOCAL AD. LOCAL AD. national ad, LOCAL AD. Back to your regularly scheduled CSI broadcast.

There is no reason, with all today's technological wonderment, why the volume for my local gardening service, my local Ford dealership, my local storage unit's brand new air-conditioned center, should be broadcast at five times the volume of the surrounding ads and television show. Absolutely no excuse.

I wear headphones, so M****com owes me four pairs to replace the ones that get jerked off my head and thrown against the wall, as I try desperately to escape the agony.

No excuse for this, I say.

Consumer Instructions For Dummies

Lovingly add to the list of Things That P*** Me Off: Nanny Labels.

You know the ones. They assume that just because you're smart enough to read, you're not necessarily smart enough to think. Toss logic out the window and just read the box. Please read all instructions carefully before proceeding.

Warning. Do Not Use This Hair Dryer In The Shower
Caution: Product May Be Cold (spotted on an ice cream carton)
Do not eat before cooking. (on a box of microwaveable pizza snacks)

Ya think?

Even better: Keep Frozen two inches away from Cook Before Eating - oh, the choices, the choices! What to do!?

I'm a firm believer in personal responsibility and Darwin.