Press THREE If You Are a Moron

So I had a bit of a problem with a piece of electronic gear the other day. Checked the obvious and less obvious: Yes, power. Yes, power at the outlet. No, have not operated while showering.

Checked the troubleshooting guide in the back of the manual. Followed the usual suspects through to elimination.

Ran the recommended diagnostics. Twice. Joyless results.

Checked the manufacturer's website for lurking upgrades and failures. Nada.

Bit the bullet and called the non-toll-free number. Got put on hold. Forever (ok, 10 minutes).

Friendly customer service dude asks for all the pertinent info - make, model and serial number of the device, my name, location, date of birth, mother's maiden name, father's middle name, name of my favorite dog, lead character in my favorite soap opera, area code of the phone number of my matron of honor from my first wedding, the last five digits of my firstborn son's drivers license. This will help him find my problem. Uh huh.

Please Hold While I Look Something Up. Sorry For the Inconvenience.

I ran the numbers in my head. For slightly less than half the cost of what I will spend on phone calls and on-hold time with this company, I can drive the nine miles to Wal-Mart and buy a new version of this electronic gear. It will work right, out of the box, or I can drive back to Wal-Mart and exchange it under warranty. Even factoring in gas prices, I'll be better off.

What is wrong with this picture? Has customer service and product integrity really fallen so far?

I propose a new voice-mail menu system to ease their pain and mine:

Hello, and welcome to Pointless Electronics LLC, a division of Way-Too-Big Industries.

Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed since your previous Pointless call.

Press 1 to continue your call in English.
Para continuar en español, por favor, pulse dos.
Press 3, followed by the pound sign, if your Pointless device is not working.
Press 3, followed by your VISA or Mastercard number, followed by the pound sign, if you lost your Pointless device manual and cannot run diagnostics.
Press 4, followed by the star sign, followed by the pound sign, if you think you know what the problem is with your Pointless device.
Press 5, followed by the pound sign, if you have read the manual but have not yet consulted the Pointless website for further assistance.
Press 6, followed by the pound sign, if you have not yet tried slamming your Pointless device against a wall.
Press 7, followed by the pound sign, if you think you are smarter than our entire Customer Service department and want validation of this misperception.
Press 8 to speak with an operator or to be placed on hold for one hour until the next Pointless Customer Service representative is available.
Press 9 to hear these menu options again.