Some Whine with that Cheese, Waiter

A few years back.. well, ok, it was late last century.. I took three business associates from our East Coast office to dinner in a very nice part of Los Angeles. Suit coat and ties required for the men. The silver place settings in front of us were probably worth more than my monthly salary. Yes, that sort of place.

One expects class in a place like this. Lots of class, respect for privacy, perhaps even a bit of food. But no.

We must have caught this particular waiter on his last day of working there. I'm reasonably sure he was fired. If not, I'd be amazed. Our reservations were for 5 PM since our guests were just arriving from the East Coast, warped from jet lag and dinner-starved. We were seated promptly at 5.

5:02 PM - A server showed up within seconds to take our drink orders and prepare us for an elegant meal. Our drinks arrived promptly.

We drank our wine / cocktails / juice / water leisurely as we waited for our waiter. We were confident, as only two tables of the 18 were occupied, and we sat proudly at the third, just to the left of the center of the room.

5:45 PM - A waiter paused on his way through to another table and assured us that our waiter would be with us shortly. Time passed. More drinks arrived. We drank. We fidgeted slightly. The server, highly attentive to our needs, kept his eye on us and made sure we were never thirsty. Four of the 18 tables were occupied by this time.

6:15 PM - A second waiter stopped, noticed we had no menus, apologized profusely and raced to get them for us. He assured us that our waiter would be with us immediately. We sipped, we selected, we waited (yes, and fidgeted a bit). Seven of the 18 tables were occupied by this time. They were getting food at two of them, and two were already eating.

6:30 PM - I excused myself and sought the maitre'd. When I explained that we had been seated at 5 PM (by him), he blanched, apologized profusely and bustled back to the kitchen. He bustled back a few minutes later, apologized once again, and stated unequivocally that our waiter would be with us immediately. I returned to the table, explained. We sipped a bit more. Ten tables were occupied, nine of them by people actually eating.

7:00 PM - Bustling and serving continued around us as we sat, famished and growing weaker by the minute, in the middle of a half-occupied four-star restaurant in one of the poshest class regions of Los Angeles. Eleven of the tables were occupied by then, and three of them had been vacated and cleaned. I surreptitiously looked around for a sign. I must have missed the self-service plaque.

8:10 PM - My guests were growing politely hostile. It is 11:10 PM according to their digestive systems. We started to stand, intent on leaving, and, in doing so, apparently dislodged the group-wide magical cloak of supreme invisibility. A tall, distinguished-looking young man approached our table. We resumed our seats warily, careful not to disturb the cloak.

"Good evening. I'm [let's not put in his name] and I'll be your waiter this evening." He bowed with a slight smile, then launched into a soliloquy detailing the harrowing time he had had since he arrived for work at 4 PM. This included such captivating details as how poorly staffed the kitchen was that evening, that the dishwasher had managed to break a large number of plates, indeed the sous chef seemed to have a major argument going on with the head chef -- and other wee bits of gossip that should never have left the shiny stainless steel confines of the prep area. We sat in stunned silence.

To my colleagues' everlasting credit, they spoke not one word until this impostor of a waiter paused to take a breath. As he stopped and smiled around the table at us, he extended his hand to take the menu from the man on my left. "And what may I get you this evening, sir?"

"Check, please," my compatriot responded with a perfectly blank face.


8:35 PM - we were settled in down the street at a comfy Italian restaurant, served a lovely meal by a very attentive waiter, and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of our evening in mid-town Los Angeles.