Somewhere out there, there are people so totally starved for affection that they will fall for the insanely sappy entree lines to some of the biggest scams on the planet. These leader lines, designed to tug feebly at your heartstrings,
Dear Beloved in Christ, It is by the grace of God that I received Christ, having known the truth; I had no choice than to do what is lawful and just in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God & His Mercies and glory upon my life. (goes on to ask for help moving money - a blatant Nigerian 419 scam)
Or present a barely plausible tale that piques the curiosity:
Good day and compliments, i know this letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine my future and continued existence. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Capt. XXXX X. XXXXXX, a US Marine Capt. serving in the X Battalion, XXX Marine Regiment which Patrols the Anbar province, Iraq. I am desperately in need of assistance and I have summoned up courage to contact you. I am presently in Iraq and I found your contact particulars in an address journal. I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of $12,570,000 (Twelve million Five Hundred and Seventy Thousand US dollars) to the States or any safe country of your choice, as far as I can be assured that it will be safe in your care until I complete my service here. This is no stolen money and there are no dangers involved. (goes on to ask for help moving money - a blatant Nigerian 419 scam)
Or present a resounding call to action:
A certified Award check of (£6.5, million GB Pounds = $13,591,000 US Dollars),In ward Credited to file NO: ddddd/dddddd left the World Health Organization® Head Quarters since on 24th January for your address, it is important we know if you have received these parcel, so as to know when
to invite you for the Winners Dinner night on the 24th February, 2008. If the parcel is not received (goes on to ask for help moving money - a blatant Nigerian 419 scam)
OH MY GOODNESS!! I MUST CONTACT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM RIGHT NOW!!!
Not.
I'm not worried for myself, really. I have a delete button on my email client, and I know how to use it.
I worry about those new to the Internet, those naive sorts who used to fall prey to in-person cons and ponzi schemes. The ones who get duped of their life savings by driveway repair scams. The ones who open their wallet at the first sign of a tear.
There oughta be a law against crafters and grifters of this sort, ringing doorbells of the less wary and running away with their victims' wallets in hand.
Oh wait. There IS. Now, who enforces it and how do we get their attention?
Dear Bestest Friend in the Whole World
But It is FREE
Congratulations! You have won a free Electronic Thingie!! Just because you're so sweet and kind and lovely and wonderful and happened to be here this very moment to open your email!! We just think you're just the bestest thing EVER for doing so, and since we are SO thrilled to see your shining face in front of your screen, we're going to GIVE you this piece of valuable electronic gear FREE and for NOTHING! So all you have to do to claim this WONDERFUL FREE eTHING (which is free and we're giving it away to you because you're soooo nice) is click on this link, answer a few questions, get your name, your address, maybe some banking information, perhaps plant a small cookie on your computer so we can remind you how MUCH WE LIKE YOU so we can send you this FREE THING for FREE, that's as in NO DOLLARS, and..... wait. Don't close this wind.. wait.. no.. please .... please don't shut down your email application.. we really do like you and all we want to do is ask you a few questions so we can GIVE you this FREE GREAT GIFT of a WONDERFUL thing.. honest, we do, really truly we do.. please don't close this window.. just give us ONE MORE MOMENT to show you how GREAT we think you are and let us send you this FREE GIFT of WONDROUS GOOD ELECTRONICS. DON'T CLOSE THi...
gimme a break.
Get a Grip, Lady
Yes, that was the lad's exact words. He may have been about 14, perhaps 15.
Indeed. How dare I be upset over something so small as a broken headlight and dented fender. After all, even though I witnessed him deliver each blow from the first one to the last, as I stood a mere 50 feet away - what on earth gave me the right to be upset?! The car was in his way, parked as it was in the supermarket parking lot, between the white lines 'n all. It posed an obvious threat to his skateboarding path. So much so that he turned said skateboard against his mortal foe, the side of my vehicle.
Indeed, I should be ashamed of myself for not thanking him profusely. If it were not for him, my insurance rate might have stayed the same for years! And how boring is that?!
Some Whine with that Cheese, Waiter
A few years back.. well, ok, it was late last century.. I took three business associates from our East Coast office to dinner in a very nice part of Los Angeles. Suit coat and ties required for the men. The silver place settings in front of us were probably worth more than my monthly salary. Yes, that sort of place.
One expects class in a place like this. Lots of class, respect for privacy, perhaps even a bit of food. But no.
We must have caught this particular waiter on his last day of working there. I'm reasonably sure he was fired. If not, I'd be amazed. Our reservations were for 5 PM since our guests were just arriving from the East Coast, warped from jet lag and dinner-starved. We were seated promptly at 5.
5:02 PM - A server showed up within seconds to take our drink orders and prepare us for an elegant meal. Our drinks arrived promptly.
We drank our wine / cocktails / juice / water leisurely as we waited for our waiter. We were confident, as only two tables of the 18 were occupied, and we sat proudly at the third, just to the left of the center of the room.
5:45 PM - A waiter paused on his way through to another table and assured us that our waiter would be with us shortly. Time passed. More drinks arrived. We drank. We fidgeted slightly. The server, highly attentive to our needs, kept his eye on us and made sure we were never thirsty. Four of the 18 tables were occupied by this time.
6:15 PM - A second waiter stopped, noticed we had no menus, apologized profusely and raced to get them for us. He assured us that our waiter would be with us immediately. We sipped, we selected, we waited (yes, and fidgeted a bit). Seven of the 18 tables were occupied by this time. They were getting food at two of them, and two were already eating.
6:30 PM - I excused myself and sought the maitre'd. When I explained that we had been seated at 5 PM (by him), he blanched, apologized profusely and bustled back to the kitchen. He bustled back a few minutes later, apologized once again, and stated unequivocally that our waiter would be with us immediately. I returned to the table, explained. We sipped a bit more. Ten tables were occupied, nine of them by people actually eating.
7:00 PM - Bustling and serving continued around us as we sat, famished and growing weaker by the minute, in the middle of a half-occupied four-star restaurant in one of the poshest class regions of Los Angeles. Eleven of the tables were occupied by then, and three of them had been vacated and cleaned. I surreptitiously looked around for a sign. I must have missed the self-service plaque.
8:10 PM - My guests were growing politely hostile. It is 11:10 PM according to their digestive systems. We started to stand, intent on leaving, and, in doing so, apparently dislodged the group-wide magical cloak of supreme invisibility. A tall, distinguished-looking young man approached our table. We resumed our seats warily, careful not to disturb the cloak.
"Good evening. I'm [let's not put in his name] and I'll be your waiter this evening." He bowed with a slight smile, then launched into a soliloquy detailing the harrowing time he had had since he arrived for work at 4 PM. This included such captivating details as how poorly staffed the kitchen was that evening, that the dishwasher had managed to break a large number of plates, indeed the sous chef seemed to have a major argument going on with the head chef -- and other wee bits of gossip that should never have left the shiny stainless steel confines of the prep area. We sat in stunned silence.
To my colleagues' everlasting credit, they spoke not one word until this impostor of a waiter paused to take a breath. As he stopped and smiled around the table at us, he extended his hand to take the menu from the man on my left. "And what may I get you this evening, sir?"
"Check, please," my compatriot responded with a perfectly blank face.
8:35 PM - we were settled in down the street at a comfy Italian restaurant, served a lovely meal by a very attentive waiter, and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of our evening in mid-town Los Angeles.
She Isn't. She's NOT. She Swears It.
August 21 : Celeb Ms X, appearing in a less-than-formfitting t-shirt and jeans, responds, "Of course I'm not pregnant." Reps for Ms X have no comment.
September 18 : Celeb Ms X, appearing in a one-piece bathing suit covered in a beach top, categorically denies that she is pregnant. Close friends of Ms X refuse to comment.
October 5: Celeb Ms X appears on the red carpet in a flowing vintage Valentino, states, "That's silly. I'm not expecting," when questioned by reporters. Reps for Ms X do not comment.
October 19: A radiant Ms X and her close friend Mr Z glow as they announce that they are expecting their first child to arrive in mid-January. Ms X spins for reporters, in a skin-grazing but baby bump-revealing red Monique Lhuillier and sensible ballerina flats. Close friends of Ms X and Mr Z announce that both of last month's baby showers were 'spectacular.'
Long ago and far away, this is what we tribal elders referred to as "lying." Celebs everywhere feel the head-butt of the Truth Rhino as it lumbers past.
Cell Phones Improperly Muted
In a restaurant, in church, at a wedding, at a funeral for Pete's sake, in a movie theater - do you really need to regale us all with your Darth Vader ringtone every ten minutes? I mean.. REALLY!?
And, be honest now, do you really want us all hearing about the affair you're having with your boss's secretary?
Flashing GIFs on Social Networks
I hate em. They make my eyes burn and make it impossible to read the text. Cut it out! If you have something to show me, make it stand still. If not, tell me about it in text.
Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam
Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
I read my emails. I pay attention to each one that arrives, deal with it, file it or remove it. I get plenty of emails each day that I MUST deal with in order to keep my business on track. As my business has nothing to do with Viagra or other performance enhancing drugs, I do not want your email.
Go read the U.S. Federal-Can-Spam-Act of 2003.
Then look for my email on your double opt-in list.
You will not find it there, unless you snaked it off a legitimate list.
Telemarketers
Do not call me during dinner and pretend to be my bestest buddy in the entire whole world. Do NOT call me to congratulate me on the new car I just "won" by answering the phone. DO NOT call me and attempt to get me to buy that Florida vacation by dangling thinly veiled threats in front of me. How about this? DO NOT CALL ME, period.
Fake Price Cuts
Look! See!? This box of Yummy Toasties is 20% off! the box crows gleefully. What it's not shouting so loud is that it now holds 20% less.
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